i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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