i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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