dude i'm inner monologue high
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
