Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
