I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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