Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
