It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
