she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He did a backflip because drugs
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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