I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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