The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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