it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
