In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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