why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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