She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
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I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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