I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
