Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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