goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
