Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
