I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
