I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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