Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
