I should be sponsored by Trojan
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
