last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
