$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
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I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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