i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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