I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
