I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
