Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
