Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
