i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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