When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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