i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
