he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My balls are so social today.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
