The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
