I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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