im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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