My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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