I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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