There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
