Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
