WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
