Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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