Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
