seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
