After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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