I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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