I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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