so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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