Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
