If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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