Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
