Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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