Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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