Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
